A proud point provided by patient pondering of pride.

I never thought I would fall into the 'proud' category. Raised as a missionary kid, not particularly wealthy, not very academic and not in a sky rocketing career. Yet, I find now as a 30 year old male, pride is a fact of my character and the question is not, is pride in my life, rather how is it distracting me from my life, loving God, leading my family and running a good race?

You don't need to read proverbs long to realise that pride is discussed in great length, many times and with great gusto. The bible is filled with 'proud' individuals, all bear the scars of these pride and some unfortunately are ended by it. Saul, David, Solomon are some common examples, but Peter, Paul and others. Anyone who put their own interests above that of our triune God. A biblical definiton by one commentary defines pride as 'an excessive love of one's own excellence'. Saul was in love of how he was adored by his subjects. David fell to his pride many times falling short of his true King. Solomon is the classic example of a king who started well and developed that love of his 'own excellence'.

I never felt I was a pride filled person, until I reached 30. I seem to have had a bit of an existencial moment of reflection. Death becomes something you have to consider, pensions paid into and retirement is something I think about. After retirement what happens, what is it for? In short, I have been known to summise it as the 'wait to die'. As we work our way to this point of waiting, we seem then bent of enjoying the last of our years. It feels backwards and this is a topic for another blog, but that perspective has brought my achievements, failures and feelings into view. My pride affects my kids, they adore me but not because of anything I have done, instead due to the father/child bond. So although I can hear you say otherwise, the relationship to the kids is more important than objects and experiences. If I look at some of the ministries I was involved in, I incorrectly take some of the success as down to me. I look at where we are as a family, it took my hard work to get a house, a car, toys etc.... I look at my wife, I flirted, I look after her so that surely is me too!

Now before this takes an essay long post to close, the point I want to make in the paragraph above is that all that I have is from God. Yes, I have had to work, or flirt. I have played a role in these things, but it is down to Gods hand. My wife is someone that God put in my life, someone that whilst I worked hard to convince to marry me, works hard in return to remind me that I am just a man. A good reminder that if I did not have that in life, I would probably be sinning in some great way and be far away from Christ.

My work is my work, yet I am in that role due to where I was born, the education I was blessed with and the character I am given. All in Gods design. Whilst I could go and throw it all away. I have had key people placed in my life to guide me to where I am. So whatever success I am achieving, is all down to Him.

My head goes over this cycle of work/reward many times, a source of pride is the balance of reward compared to my 'Excellence'. A simple example is home chores. I tend to do dishes, bins, cooking. Once done, I like to sit down as a reward. Yet, if the kids then wake, I want my wife to do it. I have done MY bit but ultimately we share responsiblity of the kids, in fact, I am key disciplinarian. So, if a kid is playing up, it is my role to go and teach them to behave. However, in life I want people to see my successes. It feels nice. I also feel annoyed when I don't get credit despite doing all the work.

Now flip it to our Lord, creating Mankind, loving His people and then to get no credit for all the He has blessed us with. Yet, when I make that great decision, I want to get the credit. Do I want go and give God the credit for blessing me with a brain that solves these issues. No.

Bringing this back to pride, the definition of loving my own excellence, means that almost all I do could be prideful. A hard realisation to come to terms with. A constant level of sin. Maybe that is my 30 year old existential crisis coming about, something that is hard to swallow. Yet, as a christian man, I have a couple of things that keep me going. Hope, knowing that the end is good. No matter what happens, I will end up with God for eternity in Heaven. I also know, that Jesus experienced all the same, so the all knowing God who lets me have a relationship with Him also knows what it is like. I can remove the whole idea of reinventing the wheel, because the Church is filled with God fearing, people loving and Man moodlifting people.

What is my conclusion? This windy road of a blog post has not got a consistent thread of a topic and yet I am comfortable with this. It reflects where I am at, it shows that my understanding is limited. Hopefully some of you can look at this and go....Phew! or Woah! A little reflection is all I ask. Where in life do I guard against people seeing my true self instead of a fabricated 'excellent model? I am finding questions are answered by questions. I do not think we will get all the answers we need in this life. However, pride is a source of temptation and faltering for many better people than myself. So please, go pray. Lay it all down and move forwards.

As the title of the website suggests, your mood might benefit from it too!

Go, bless others and glorify God.