I am now turning my mind to a third post. I have so much to say and now that I have started putting it on paper it seems to be flowing. Last time I spoke about grief and internalising feelings. Today I want to share how I feel most of the time. How I cope on a day-to-day basis and manage the feelings that have become so powerful in my life. Now I must try and stay on one topic. I feel I diverged last time.
So how do I feel right now? I am quite comfy, sat with a coffee and listening to some music. I am writing about how I feel and that makes me think about it more. I find music does affect my mood and I can be calmed, excited or even stressed by certain tunes. ‘’Why have I shared this?’’ I hear you ask. (If you didn’t then humour me and pretend you did). My point for sharing this is that my mood is heavily influenced by my surroundings. Noisy mornings with moody children are not relaxing for me and as they are often the first thing, I face in the morning it is not a good start. I am on a mission when this happens to get them quiet and off to their relevant activities! I am parenting them for MY convenience.
My home is shared with two noisy younglings, one wife and a lodger. All these humans are dearly loved, however the overstimulation of satisfying all the needs is somewhat overwhelming. I often find myself feeling underappreciated, unloved, tired, sore, resentful and cross. One of the major arguments in my marriage is about the physical distribution of chores and responsibilities. The perspectives are tainted by the weariness of the individual and their mood. You see sometimes our moods are afflicted by all the craziness of life. I am unconsciously brought to these moments of sheer moodiness, whether that by family responsibilities or by circumstances beyond my control. I know by the studies I am doing that we are all different people. Affected differently by these situations and coping with them in a wide range of ways. I find myself often enraged by others in these moments! For me, the madness must be followed by some calm. I like to stop and think, I like to plan, and I like to be in control. Feeling all these things makes me consider my own sanity. Is it normal to be all these things? Everyone else seems so in control and I am the one about to shout at my 1-year-old for not putting his shoes on... he is 1 year old! I feel so many strong feelings in one day. I go from angry to happy in split seconds and then back again.
Now back to the point Simon! It is vital to be learning about finding some peace. This doesn’t mean you are sat in some crazy position by your nearest waterfall, but that you can take yourself away to re-charge. I used to get up early and spend some time with a hot coffee and a read of my bible. Now, I know that this seems counter intuitive but for me it was so helpful in terms of starting the day instead of having smelly bottoms in my face and bickering over what colour bowl each child wants. Throughout the day I often get a hot drink and sit by myself. I think about nothing.... like literally nothing. It gives me a simple reset to go back and be kind, gracious, loving and respectful. Often in some evenings I will go and do some sort of activity by myself whether it be baking, playing a computer game and simply doing something. I have the control to choose what I watch, listen to and read, maybe consider what you are putting in your mind by choice. I find by using my mind for something low key it allows me to put feelings to words as I am not dwelling and over thinking it. For example, ‘’I am angry because you never change a poo nappy’’ is not difficult to know but often I think that it is not worth being annoyed about that, however for me it is so important to know that and to tell my wife that. Much better than shouting at her for it! Remembering that I shouted at my youngest this morning for no good reason is good to know about. Before I went through some counselling, I thought this was not good enough. That I needed a solution to it that very same day. Often though for me, knowing and acknowledging that I did something wrong is enough to deter repeat offence.
So, to draw this to a close, I feel things all day and every day. Sometimes it is my fault as I can be in control of what I listen to and what I see, often it is not. How can I improve my coping? Understanding what I am feeling is a good start. Then knowing that I do have some control is also good for me. Speaking to someone about how you feel allows those feelings to be out in the open. Not contained inside your heart. A simple task on paper but one I find men in general find really hard to do.
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