Life seems to be a deepening cocktail of self-destruction and self-awareness. I have found over the last few days that my view on many things is somewhat wrong. Or is it? Ideas, concepts, principles and core beliefs get challenged daily. This makes me cranky, I feel inadequate and pretty rubbish about myself. I find myself wanting to give up, I feel unheard and distant when I used to feel close.
Our church is going through a new phase right now, it is hard on many and I feel particularly conflicted by it. I am of the perception that things are not great and that we need to be better prepared, however how long does that argument go for? Why do I feel like this? What life experiences have lead me to feel such a strong feeling of discontent. I am not at peace with this move and I hate that. People I respect and love are heading this decision and I can't help but feel like they are walking into an awful situation. That is how I feel, but it is not right for me to dwell in that feeling and to let it grow in me, not to disregard that feeling but self pity and groaning isn't helpful.
There are reasons for my feelings of such discontent, I have been a part of difficult Christian leadership circles and they have failed catasrophically. They have let far too many down and not been centered on Christ. The issue I feel I need to clarify is that human leadership and Biblical leadership are 2 very different concepts.
Human leadership is very top down, there can be an element of servant hearted nature in it, but the nature of our hearts is that rarely do we expect nothing in return. Biblical leadership is flipped. We serve to glorify the Lord, we lead steafastly, in the strength of the Lord to what scripture teaches and sacrifice more that we are comfortable to give.
The challenge I have is that there is unfortunately a need to marry up human leadership and biblical due to the man made governments and our biblical need to submit to the authority that God places above us. So what is the balance? I don't know and this is not a blog about that. It is about how I feel, what is my response as a Christian, a sin filled and broken man. It is about my role as a father, a husband and as a child of God.
What is my role? I am to submit to the leadership above me and this is hard when I personally don't feel that they are competent. However, I am not to judge and I am to do as I am told. That is extremely hard, I am super reactive and fight percieved injustices. However, the outcomes and ultimate responsibility falls on those put above you. I am keeping this short as I don't want to be ''wordy'', however we are called by the bible to listen to those who are wiser than us. They, in turn, need to live with the consequences of their actions.
That is easy to say, but in practice it is very hard. Leaving these things at Christs feet is the best course of action. Praying that our hearts are calmed and at peace. Breathing out our physical reactions. Fighting amongst us is not good and ultimately we are to save souls, Satan knows us well and he will be out there trying to get us.
Leaving our burdens, our issues, our frustrations and our greivances in the hands of our Saviour is the only way to get past things that our beyond our control, sometimes we just don't know what is going on. However we must try to live a well as we can, we need to be better, we need to show grace and mercy until the time comes that we find ourselves in positions of leadership ourselves. It is all seasonal and God has His timings. So keep strong, read your bibles, meet with wise men, be still and listen and most importantly, apologise when you have done something wrong.
So what to do when you hit that wall, my suggestion is simple. Firstly, what is that wall doing? is it keeping you safe or keeping yout trapped? Figure that out first and then do the right thing.
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