Relecting on a reflection.

My last post was awful, full of spelling mistakes. It made little sense and had a train of thought as bumpy as a West African Train line!

My dream for this was to be consistent and reflective, glorifying God and hopefully gaining some following. The reality of my goal was slim. Tainted by pride? rubbish writing? who knows.... At the end of the day, here are some thoughts and honest confessions.

My feelings are about the same, I am irritable, tired, stressed and overwhelmed most of the time. The things that bring me joy seem a little dull and in fact, I am not sure I know what that feels like. If you are at all aware, it could be that I am depressed. However, whilst that may be true it is self inflicted. My goals in life have been self driven. I got married because I wanted sex, yes I love my wife but I wanted sex. I got into management to prove to others that I could do it. I went to University to prove I could do that too, I polished my reasons for public view but overall, it was easy to me. For University, I even got more money than working!

My last post about pride is hard to really fix. I am so selfish and yet others seem to ignore that, or miss it. I know how bad I am and often wonder am I worth it in the end, or am I on my way to eternal damnation anyway? More examples of my selfishness are with the kids. I love them but I also love time to myself. Yet how many times have I taken them away compared to being left at home?

It is stinkingly obvious that I am self entitled, snobby and controlling! How do I fix this? That question is hard and true. I am at a loss often. The truth is that I cannot. Only God can, I need to let Him and that will hurt when I give Him the green light. Am I a Christian, yes. Have I committed to Christ, yes. Do I hold onto some things that seem to be too much for me to give even to God (who already knows). Yes.

It was told to me that as you deepen your faith, you become more and more aware of your own need for salvation. I cannot agree to this more! All that pain comes back each time I get hit by a refining fire. My problem with lying, greed, lust all come back and try to catch me again. So maybe I start after this prayer. "Lord, I am sorry for my sin, for my greed, pride and self driven choices. Lord, help me to be honest to you and myself. Use me for Your good and help me to be encouraged not deflated. Amen".

Have a great week, thanks for reading my vulnerability.