I find poetic language a challenge to enjoy. Sometimes it can be incompatible with how I feel. It is good at getting views and reads, but I want to write with truth and transparency. Metaphors are also somewhat unhelpful as they only capture part of a situation. Often, the true and unaltered truth is best.
So the title of the blog is about scars. Often if we hurt ourselves it can scar. I have a papercut that scarred, I also catch it all the time! It is on one of those annoying parts on my hand. Now the thing about scars is that is it newer skin than the rest of our body. It is made of the same stuff as the rest of our skin, but it is newer, often less resilient and if directly hurt again, easy to make bleed and be painful. This can be the same for feelings, I have had my feelings hurt and with some reflection, I recognise that I have been hurt in the past and it is raising the same emotion as that very first time.
One of the biggest scars I face is the grief of losing a baby. We lost one of our two twins. We had gone through the roller coaster of expecting twins and then to find out one was ''no longer viable'' was awful. The worst bit however was how normal this was for midwives, sonogrophers and doctors. We got rehearsed sympathy and that was that. I vividly remember being left in a room with my heart feeling as if it had been ripped out of my chest. That is not poetic language, that is exactly how it felt. I felt alone and abandoned by these people I expected to have answers. My expectation of them was wrong, in their shoes that de-humanification is how they coped. I can also link this feeling to my childhood, sitting on a bathroom floor, feeling sick and being sick on my own. My parents not even coming to check on me. Did they know I was there, alone, feeling abandoned? I don't think so and with four kids keeping track on all of them is unreasonable. I do not blame them. As a christian, I have someone who is always there. He doesn't give me the answers I want but He does love me. This is God, the triune being. Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Having a faith takes some growth, Christianity is relational. Learning what God is like and how to listen to Him takes time. When I first come to believe I was generally on fire for him, as I mature in my faith I find myself realising more and more about my need for Him.
Counselling follows similar veins to this idea of looking at where we first felt the feelings we are dealing with. I have gone through a fair bit of counselling and I have found it useful. I also know, that men seem to struggle with being honest with themselves. I find it is hard to hear that I am not as put together as I want. Being visibly vulnerable and humble is hard if not impossible without fully acknowledging our fallen nature. This means accepting that we are sinful and that we are evil at heart. Sin is corruptive, it takes over our minds and influences everything we do. Repenting and confessing is the best way to get back on track. There is only one human that lived the perfect life, Jesus Christ.
So men, stop being impossibly hard on yourselves. Accept your mistakes, seek out why they happen and put them at our Gods feet. You might feel better or at least you will feel something.
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